Why did I make this website? Why do I make music? Why do I love art and all things creative?
This is why...
I know what it’s like to suffer. I am intimately familiar with anguish. With not knowing what happiness, joy, and love feel like. I know what it’s like to not want to be here anymore. I understand the struggle of feeling like life is unbearable. I know what it’s like to wake up and utterly dread the day and to count the minutes until I can go back to sleep just so I could be unconscious again. I know what it’s like to not want to interact with absolutely anyone because people are dangerous. I also know what it’s like to hate myself. To have such a negative self image that I would bypass brushing my teeth or washing my hands simply so I didn’t have to look in the mirror, because what I would see was an ugly, horrible, stupid monster. And because "it just doesn’t matter anyway." I used to challenge myself to go through the day and not speak to or interact with a single person, and I succeeded many, many times. I know what it’s like to feel weird and different, and to beat myself up so bad because I was not “normal,” that I would make myself sick. I know what it’s like to get so in my head about not wanting to say something stupid during a conversation, so bad that I would get flustered to my core and my mind would go blank in the middle of a sentence, and I would fully forget what I was even talking about. Which, of course, validated all the terrible things I was telling myself in my head, and ultimately brought me to avoid interactions with absolutely anyone at any cost. I know what it’s like to feel like there is no hope. I know what it’s like to feel utterly alone.
I also know what it’s like to change. To make the decision, either die or don’t. And I know how difficult it is to tell myself that if I DON’T, then I need to change things drastically. I understand how hard it is to find a professional someone that doesn’t fall into the “dangerous” category enough to actually feel comfortable talking about the terrible things in my head. Then to actually talk about them.. Terrifying. And I also know what it’s like to finally feel some relief. To gain trust. To open myself up completely and not feel scared that the person I am talking to will hate me because they see “the real me.” I know what it’s like to finally start to feel like I can communicate with people. I also know the importance of getting the bottled up feelings and emotions out any way possible. For me, it was creating music, and writing, and art. I also understand that everyone is different, and I now understand that “weird” isn’t a bad word.
I understand how wonderful it feels to connect with another person so deeply that I can’t imagine living life without them. I now know what love feels like, and I allow myself to feel it. I know how important it is to express feelings, to practice kindness, and to be empathetic and compassionate towards others. I know that other people struggle with the same struggles that I did.
So, the reason I do the things I do, my “why,” is to show you that beauty can, in fact, come from darkness. That life isn’t always unicorns and rainbows, but things will get better if we try. I want to help you feel like you are not alone. And I want to help you feel good. I want to help you smile and laugh. To be touched by a beautiful melody or a stunning picture. I want to help show you that not everyone is scary and mean and dangerous. That life can be wonderful. And that we are all in this together.
